Week 735: Look Back in Inker

Saturday, October 13, 2007

This week marks the 200th column under the Empress's byline, or non-byline, or whatever, which gives us a reasonable excuse to give Losers another chance to enter this past year's contests all at once. (Last year we did this on our third anniversary, prompting a few people with their priorities out of whack to suggest that perhaps a week in mid-December was not the best period for immersing oneself, bathysphere-style, in the Style Invitational archives.) This week: Enter any Style Invitational contest from Week 680 through Week 731. Limit yourself to one entry per contest; the Empress refuses to look at 10,000 more international team names. You may refer to events that have occurred since the contest was printed (except the obituary poems; they should still be for people who died in 2006). For contests that ask you to use The Post from a certain day or week, use today's or this week's. Very long, space-consuming entries are less likely to draw ink, though we wouldn't mind running, say, one hilarious photo or astonishingly clever song parody. You can find all 52 contests (and more!) online at http://www.washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a box of Hi-Ener-G Horny Goat Weed, which is labeled "Natural Aphrodisiac" but doesn't seem to include an 800 number for complaints, AND some Yang Herbal Tonic horny-goat-weed tea, both courtesy of Peter Metrinko of Chantilly in honor of his new Daughter No. 3 (she just arrived from China, we mean).

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 22. Put "Week 735" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 10. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest was submitted by both Larry Yungk and Russell Beland. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Tom Witte.

Report From Week 731

in which we asked for ridiculously inefficient ways to prepare food or drink:

4. Spinach: Compete for tall, anorexic supermodel, but get brutishly pummeled by another suitor. When you've had all you can stands and you can't stands no more, suddenly find can of spinach, squeeze till iron-filled veggies fly directly into mouth. (Randy Lee, Burke)

3. Buffalo wings: First, study advanced genetics. Next, splice haploid strings of . . . (Russell Beland, Springfield)

2. the winner of the gospel-singing lamb: Orange juice: Become world-famous, fascinating and dangerous by writing a novel that provokes an ayatollah to proclaim a fatwa against you. Serially marry and divorce until you manage to engage the attraction and affections of a supermodel/cooking show host. Marry her. Before you divorce her, have her slice six oranges in half, squeeze out the juice and serve it to you in a chilled glass. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills)

And the Winner of the Inker

Boston Baked Beans:

Take one thin cow to Boston. Trade cow for three magic beans. Throw beans out window. Next morning find enormous beanstalk; climb. At top grab goose that lays golden eggs; descend. Say, "Lay, goose, lay" to goose. Collect egg, sell to goldsmith. Use money to buy Viking six-burner range and can of B&M baked beans. Place contents of can in saucepan; heat and serve. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)

Gourmaybes

PB&J sandwich: Spread the floor with jelly and the ceiling with peanut butter. Stick slices of bread to the peanut butter on the ceiling, then stand back and watch patiently. Eventually the bread slices will start to fall, some straight down but others flipping over in transit. When finally two slices land peanut butter side down on the jelly-covered floor, pick 'em up, put 'em together and you have a sandwich. (Nicholas D. Rosen, Arlington)

To steam Brussels sprouts, buy several yards of netting and coordinating ribbon at your local craft store. Create a small net for each sprout -- about eight little nets per person -- and hang them from the shower curtain rod while taking a shower. For enhanced flavor, use lemon-scented soap; use slightly larger nets and a longer shower for broccoli crowns. (Elizabeth J. Molyé, Vienna)

Chicken-fried steak: Once you've taught your chicken to use a spatula . . . (Russell Beland)

Pheasant under glass: Rinse and pat dry an 8-to-10-lb. pheasant; meanwhile, heat 20 lb. sand to 2100 F . . . (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Hot dogs: Circumcise the hog genitalia before grinding it into filler. (Jon Milstein, Falls Church)

Walk around town eating from an open jar of peanut butter. Arrange to bump into someone eating chocolate. Get his chocolate in your peanut butter, and get your peanut butter on his chocolate. Sample the results and nod with satisfaction. Then the two of you walk around trying to bump into someone who has orange wrappers and a national distribution network . . . (Brendan Beary)

Sweet potato pie: Just have yo mama sit on a sack o' sweet potatoes. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

The best waffles are made from scratch. I mean literally: Patients from the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Center hand-carve the squares and stack them perfectly on your plate. The syrup doesn't touch your bacon, either. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Pancakes: Obtain several tigers. Take off your clothes and give one article of clothing to each tiger. This will cause them to fight over the clothes and chase one another around a tree until they turn into butter. Apply butter to a heated frying pan . . . (Michael Fransella, Arlington)

Pineapple upside-down cake: For mixing the batter, we recommend hanging from your ankles from a ceiling fan, holding two spoons. Beat two minutes on medium, then three minutes on high . . . (Meghan Colosimo, Newark, Del.)

Junior High Jello: Obtain legs of a dead horse; reserve meaty haunches. Stew legs, removing shoes and skimming off solid matter, until fully dissolved. Add sugar and cold fruit juice to taste. Chill. Provides 450 servings, to go with the sloppy joes from the reserved meat. (Russ Taylor, Vienna)

Water: From one Middle Eastern emirate, extract one cup of petroleum. Using an ordinary petrochemical plant, separate and re-form into polyethylene terephthalate. Blow mold into cylindrical container shape. Fill with water and seal. Next, using fibers from harvested trees, form a rectangular piece of paper approximately 8.0 by 2.5 inches. Print logo and affix to bottle. Bundle with 23 additional containers, place onto a cardboard tray and wrap with plastic. Load onto truck and transport to supermarket. Purchase, transport to residence and refrigerate. When thirsty, remove one container and unseal. Serves one. (Dan Klein, McLean)

Get Mars Bars for dessert by going to . . . nah, that's too stupid even for this contest. Well, at least I didn't suggest Milky Ways. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Next Week: The Chain Gang, or The Appellation Trail